Direct Male
from (Im)personals

The spreadsheet approach to romance reminds me of an article from issue number nine of The Baffler in which Risa Mickenberg examines "Direct Male." The piece begins with a letter from Richie Glickman, a Customer Service Representative for Omni American Card who writes Annie Byrne and offers her a table-top calculator (battery included) in exchange for her hand in marriage. Mickenberg's article is both a letter-perfect parody of marketing-speak:

I'm confident that you will enjoy my sense of humor. My endearing mannerisms. My dog. My full head of blonde hair. You'll get it all when you marry me by September 16, 1996.

and a creepy commentary on demographic destiny:

"The list from which I selected your name indicates that you are a single, 34-year-old woman who earns $90,575, is concerned with fashion and health, has a cursory knowledge of politics, a bit of a Barney's addiction and a penchant for a certain discreet sex toy mail order catalog.
     I like your profile."

I'm Swooning Over You (Circa Spring 2000)

Tall funny guy seeks tall funny gal --freelancer

freelancer's vital stats
Preference: a man seeking a woman
Location: Toronto / 416
Marital Status: Single
Age: 27
Ethnicity: Caucasian
Religion: Agnostic/Atheist
Education: College
Occupation: Freelance writer

SIN INDEX
Butts: Non-smoker
Drugs: Never
Booze: Social drinker

APPEARANCE
Hair: Brown
Eye Color: Brown
Height: 6ft., 5in. (1.96m)
Weight: 205lb. (93kg)

Get to know freelancer

  • I've got Pixies, Guided By Voices, Kruder&Dorfmeister and Amon Tobin in my CD player.
  • The last book I read was A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius (Dave Eggers)
  • The last movie I saw was Gladiator (don't think less of me because of it)
  • My favorite URLs are www.theonion.com, www.salon.com and www.feedmag.com
  • I'm an excellent lover because I said so.
  • I'd be willing to get arrested over certain political beliefs. And my jaywalking habit.
  • For kicks I like to go to art openings. Read Camus at the beach. Play guitar. Argue with magazine editors about em dashes.
  • I once consumed a ten-pound bag of flour when no other food was available.

    What freelancer wants
    I have overthrown my inner Rob (the guy in High Fidelity) and I no longer judge people solely by the music they enjoy. As long as you can tolerate the Pixies, we might have a future. Otherwise: Tall is better than short; smart is better than stupid; funny is better than dour; cute is better than ugly; reading the Baffler is better than reading In Style; enjoying cheap breakfasts at diners is better than $7 drinks at chic-chic hipster bars; 416 is better than 905. Hating organized sports is better than enjoying organized sports.

    Location: Toronto / 416
    Marital Status: Single
    Age: 19 to 33
    Ethnicity: No preference
    Religion: No preference
    Education: High School

    SIN INDEX
    Butts: Non-smoker
    Drugs: No preference
    Booze: No preference

    APPEARANCE
    Hair: No preference
    Eye Color: No preference
    Height: 5 ft.,5 in. - 7 ft.,0 in. (1.65m - 2.13m)
    Weight: 51 - 211 lb. (23 - 96kg)

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