A Fractured Fairy Tale
From SGZ #7
Once upon a time (every good story starts this way) there was a sorta handsome Prince (the writer formerly known as Ryan). He lived in a Castle built upon a swamp. People said it was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but he built it anyway.
* * *
Ryan had a great castle, and some wonderful court jesters, but his life still seemed empty. Something (or rather someone) was missing. He needed a Princess. So he pondered for many days and knights about what to do. (He was a sort of Philosopher King). He was pretty inept, due in part to inbreeding, and our story would end here if it not for the sudden [arrival] of a treasure map!* * *
Prince Ryan had acquired the scroll from a travelling mystic and it showed that all the greatest princesses lived by the sea, in a land called bonalee. These were women who judged men on personality, not appearance and enjoyed the restrained charm of shy men!* * *
So our hero got the mighty S.S. Volvo (a real boat of car) ready and set sail for the place on the map from which no one has ever wanted to return from.* * *
Ryan quickly got lost and sought out help.But the locals were silent, not even a yelp.
Ryan wanted supplies but got none from these guys.
And so, though the late Dr. Suess of these rhymes would not tire.
Ryan left angered, thus ending the satire.
* * *
After much driving he came upon the river Styx, a horrible river (and a horrible band). Trembling, Ryan boarded the raft and hoped for the best. Things got scary -- the author started ending most sentences with exclamation marks!* * *
After crossing the river, Ryan had to pass a series of tests to enter the promised land. First he had to steal an Oscar of Steven Spielburg's, being careful to replace it with a bag of sand! Then he had to remove a mattress tag!! Then he had to procure the autograph of J.D. Salinger, or at least ensure that most people were in on the joke!!!* * *
After he had completed these tasks, he finally met his sleeping beauty -- specially matched for interests and personality traits by the in house royal dating service. His special new friend didn't get frightened when he approached her -- a wonderful sign. However, it turned out she was asleep, which explained her lack of trepidation. He kissed her. Her eyes flickered open for a moment, looked at the Prince, and quickly pretended to fall back asleep. (She would later sue for facial harassment.) This often happened to King Leopold, Ryan's father, so he wasn't deterred.* * *
Our hero went looking for a miracle. But the wizard he found could do nothing. "This isn't the Princess Bride and I'm not Billy Crystal," he said. You can try Dr. Laura's hut three doors down, but she's in a bad mood today.* * *
Ryan sailed home despondent. A hitch-hiker he picked up tried to cheer him up with a knock-knock joke.Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive her, but she doesn't love me.
The hitchhiker was promptly removed.
* * *
The Prince's father had asked Ryan to sail white sails if he found a wife. The hazy fog of depression had clouded his memory and his vision, and so he forgot to make the necessary adjustments. The village was sad. The only thing on the menu that night was crow.* * *
Now with even more free time, Ryan decided to record his journeys and lived unhappily ever after.
