Horrorscopes
From SGZ #5

Aries (March 21-April 19) Events continue to unfold like a zany sitcom pilot. However, while you're trapped in Edgar's attic with his pet emu, everyone else is discovering the love they seek.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) You will go to Spain to fight Matadors. Love prospects look grim at best.

Gemini (May 21-June 20) You have 24 hours to live, so stop wasting your time reading this gibberish. The opposite sex will remain a mystery as your last few precious moments on earth come to a close.

Cancer (June 21-July 22) You are thinking of a number between one and ten. It is eight. You will meet someone with a vowel in their name. This relationship will carry a gypsy's curse. You have been warned.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22) The song 'Tainted Love' will become lodged in your cranium for the next week. You have been warned. Geiger-love counter readout: Plutonium rod remains inert.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22) Previously 'lost' items will reappear. Unexpected announcement comes from family member. Females continue to shun you like the elephant man.

Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22) Love is a cruel game. You play and lose. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21) Money and health reach a zenith. However, you're still a barnacle on the pirate ship of love.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21) Acquaintance is heard to remark, "Do I know you? Did my wife send you? How do I know you're not from the FBI?" Love thermometer reading: ice cold.

Capricorn (Dec 22- Jan 19) You manage to put the unfortunate incident at Denny's behind you, only to be sidetracked by your fear of spiders. Ouiji board of romance spells: N-O-P-E.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18) You will smack the next person who sings "This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius" after finding out your sign. Forecast for love: cloudy at best.

Pisces (Feb 19-March 20) You like fish. Even sardines. But the road to romance is closed for repairs.