Astute Meets Brute
from SGZ #5

Whenever you're in trouble, do what I do. Refer to the Decision Making Model:
1) Identify problem issue (I need a date.)
     Study situation (The universe is cruel and uncaring.)
     Determine concern (I may go insane.)
2) Gather information (Buy a mirror. Look at it. There I am, all alone)
3) Examine the alternatives (Join a monastery, go bowling more often.)
      Explore possible solutions (Death? Too painful. Join a bowling league? Even worse.)
4) Make decision/ plan a course of action (Remain single, read article and admire clever segueway.)
5) Evaluate the decision (As long as I can laugh at myself, it can't be all that bad .)

Joy of Being Single or Dealing with a World of Lowered Expectations
So you haven't had a date in ages, and you're feeling kinda down right now. Well, maybe I can help. I bet you need some help in dealing with the emotion you sometimes get that makes it seem that the entire world cares not one whit about you and as such you'll never find someone of the opposite sex again. Well I'm here to show you a whole new world of possibilities, a new way of thinking about and interacting with the world. Yes, I'm talking about learning to live successfully as a single guy. Let's face it, love is so unpredictable that it may as well be impossible. You'll never succeed, because all women possess a crucial superpower: the ability to smell fear. So, even if you meet someone and manage to maintain an outward appearance of calm, they'll eventually catch you in a weak moment and exploit the power they hold, just like the National Socialists or Roger's Cable. And let's face it, there are so many inconveniences to dating. Walks on the beach, candle light dinners, slow dances and those sickening date movies like Green Card, and Little Women. Is it really worth it? Nah. Now that I've got you interested and convinced (or mostly convinced) let's delve further into all the advantages and activities you can take part in, if and only if you are single:

  • Become set in your ways, and gain the crucial head start needed to become a truly cynical and bitter old man
  • No need to waste money on 'Big Red' gum . . . money which can be used to purchase "The Wealthy Barber"
  • Affords one the perfect opportunity to try "The Contest" as seen on Seinfeld
  • Memorize the phonebook
  • Pretend to be gay and let the mayhem ensue
  • Wear a wedding ring with impunity
  • Drive down abandoned roads in hopes of alien abduction
  • Learn to juggle common household appliances
  • Cultivate "swinging bachelor" image a la Larry on Three's Company
  • Form a rock band called "Barba-Poppa"

    These and a thousand other fun activities await you. Except sex. [1] But then try not to think about that. Just block it out of your mind entirely and we'll never speak of this unpleasant side effect again. So try singledom for a while, I'm sure you'll find the lifestyle the right one. What's that? I hear a bit of skepticism in your voice, but come on now, this isn't negative billing here. Imagine the possibilities. . . why you could let your brain make some decisions for a change. It gets lonely up there, all alone and ignored. Think of the rigorous self improvement that could occur! But be warned! Some may go overboard (as people have done in other cases i.e. Flat Earth Society, Square Dancing, Communism.) So here, included for safety reasons (and at no extra cost to you, the consumer) are the signs and symptoms that you've become 'too single'.

  • Constant fatigue
  • Boredom
  • You've learned how to speak Klingon fluently
  • Extreme irritability
  • Neglect of appearance
  • Insert your own Matlock joke here
  • Loss of interest in food
  • You're consumed by work on the blueprints for the Spruce Goose II
  • Violent mood swings
  • You spent New Year's Eve on the Internet's 'Cyber-Party'

    Well, I must leave you now, but I think you're on the road to a better you. Until then, this little chair will be waiting for one of you. Here's a rocking chair for another who likes to rock. The big armchair is for two or more to curl up in, when you come again to our castle. I'll close the big front door and pull up the drawbridge after you're gone. Bye.


    1 Well, there is the option of brief, furtive, guilt-ridden and essentially meaningless sex with a potentially disease ridden stranger in the form of a one-night stand. But this is hardly an option for sensitive males like ourselves.

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