Movie Reviews
From SGZ #7

Single Guy Movie Reviews By Darren "Cineophile" Gawle
Krysztof Kieslowski's "Three Colours" trilogy

Blue - Juliette Binoche loses her husband and young daughter in a car accident. Noting that her dead husband's long-faced assistant carries the torch for her, she has a fling with him. We all know this happens ALL THE TIME.

White - Julie Delpy rips her ex-husband's broken heart out of his chest and mails it to Sudbury. He wreaks vengeance on her, earning an eleven out of ten for originality that has to be seen to be believed.

Red - Irene Jacob befriends a retired judge whose past failure at romance is cunningly echoed by the descent into emotional hell of a young law student. Hey, we're there for you Auguste.

Rental Guide by Ryan (I control the vertical, I control the horizontal. You are there.)
There are days when watching "bambi" is not quite concurrent with your mood or emotional state. So when the urge arises, it's time to slap on the sunglasses and go down to the local video store. However, we don't condone going in the back of the store ... that lacks class, and maintaining dignity in the face of difficult, depressing and lonely times is what we're all about. Here are some worthy alternatives.

Beyond the Valley of the Dolls -Besides constant nudity (Russ Meyer is obsessed with breasts, which is an affliction as rare as the common cold among most men) there are three or four brilliant pieces of dialogue including the immortal, "It's my happening...and it freaks me out!" Interesting note, Roger Ebert co-wrote the script and it aptly demonstrates why he's only permitted to review movies now.

Bikini Car Wash Company I - (unrated version) With a plot thinner than soap film, it is a non-stop montage of tanned, brainless, silicone enhanced, bimbos. You'll feel guilty just looking at the box. The plot twist at the end has to be seen to be believed.

Belle Epoche - If it has subtitles AND nudity, a film is no longer smut, it is an art film. I don't know what art is, but I know what I like. A charming young man meets three beautiful Spanish sisters and due to indecision, he is forced to sample the smorgasbord before deciding on a main course.

Exotica - Atom Egoyan is Canada's David Lynch, a subtle and brilliant director and visionary. This is what you will say to impress your friends, rather than admitting that you rented this film for the naked ladies. Again, this counts as an art film, due mainly to the fact that it contains a plot. The main female protagonist is a stripper whose 'gimmick' is dressing as a school girl. Knee socks are the work of the devil. Three thumbs up.

Coyote - Mitsou's first--and probably only--movie. While it seems impossible to suggest that someone with such immense talent wouldn't be well suited to the big screen, she should stick to singing in her lingerie.

The following movies are vLP favourites, for either their accurate or wildly inaccurate portrayals of daily life.

Attack of the 50 Foot Woman (1958). A movie that takes my interest in tall women to the logical extreme.

Barbarella (1968). When a T and A movie is more than 30 years old, it becomes a classic, no matter how skimpy the plot, or the costumes. See also: any film starring Marilyn Munroe, Jane Mansfield, Jane Russell, or Mamie Van Doren.

Beauty and The Beast. The ugly, hairy dude wins over the beautiful woman! (And that candlestick is such a rake!)

The English Patient (1996). Teaches another valuable lesson: Never abandon a beautiful unconscious woman in a cave.

Harold and Maude (1972). This film teaches single men that life is all about keeping your options open.

Howards End (1992). The director's name is James Ivory, king of the Date Movie. Learn the name, live the name, love the name. If you ever have a date, you'll need to be able to spot this film in the video store before she does so as to score highly coveted "good guy" points. See also: Remains of the Day.

The Piano (1993). Yet another date movie. Keital looks pretty grim in this film and he still scores, which should provide some hope. See also: Beauty and the Beast.

The Princess Bride (1987). A date movie with a difference -- it's enjoyable to watch.

Remains of the Day (1994) See also: Howards End

A Room With A View (1989) See also: Remains of the Day

Rochelle, Rochelle: (1993) A young woman's strange erotic journey from Milan to Minsk.

Sirens (1995). See good acting and plot development. See also: Elle McPherson nude.

Sorority Babes in the Dance-A-Thon of Death (1994). I haven't seen this, but the title was too good not to include in this list.

Superman (1978). Check it out -- this guy has x-ray vision. He can see through clothes -- for real, not like those x-ray specs in the comic books. Oh yeah, he can also fly.

Two Moon Junction (1993). Rotten plot, rotten acting (Herve Villechaize appears), rotten cinematography. However, Sheryln Fenn appears nude.
     Twice.