Six String Drag
From SGZ #7

If you think you're depressed now, buy an acoustic guitar and discover how to maximise your true potential as an unhappy person. If you decide that music will sooth your soul, here are some quick tips. The most important decision you will ever make is deciding on the type of chords you use, and, to a lessor extent, the number of chords you use per song. In strictly technical terms, major equals happy and minor equals sad. 'Nuff said.

The second decision is electric versus acoustic guitar. Since acoustic is traditionally associated with solo artists, it is generally considered more pathetic and is recommended. Consider singing in a thin, reedy voice for best results.

Finally, if you decide to immortalize your songs for future generations, I recommend using a four-track. Low-fi recordings are generally full of tape hiss, which helps create the ambiance of someone alone in their one-bedroom tenement at three in the morning, the stabbing pains of rejection keeping them awake.

Looking for inspiration? Listen to Tainted Love over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. Douse with Wicked Game when appropriate. When all else fails, play e-minor.