Weird Science
From SGZ #9 and bits of an early VLP draft

Because of much spare time, most single guys are well educated. They can articulate with great aplomb how really, really, really bad it is to be single. The all male single guy Uni-versity is teeming with students.

Serious research into the problem of singledom is voluminous. Studying the chemistry between men and women has a long history -- Marie Curie and her husband Pierre were pioneers in this field. In 1898 Curie isolated polonium and radium and soon wrote a paper about radioactive dating.

However, the most exciting advances have been made in understanding the subtle nuances of communicating with women in their natural habitat. One of the most famous of these experiments, "The Supermarket as a Venue For the Facilitation of Romantic Overtures" was printed by The Journal of Stupid Experiments back in 1998. It was conducted at Simon Fraser University's Interpersonal Interactions Laboratory. Our esteem and thanks goes out to those men that graciously donated their body to science for the pursuit of knowledge.

Summary
Recently, psychologists have observed an increased level of desperation and risk taking within the single male cohort of 19 to 29-year-olds. These behavioural traits often correlate highly with gullibility. Thus, there continues to be a strong belief amongst a significant proportion of the VLP population that one of the best places to find and meet members of the opposite sex is large food retailers. This experiment attempts to conclusively disprove, once and for all, the urban myth that the supermarket, and more specifically, the produce aisle, is an above average place to "pick-up" members of the opposite sex.

Introduction
During the nineteen-seventies (1970s) the mainstream media helped to popularize the notion that meeting members of the opposite sex was an easy and painless endeavour, and that chances were that just about anyone, could meet just about anyone, just about anywhere. (Three's Company et al). Despite the hideous clown suits that passed for fashion during the disco era, many people still believe that this painfully embarrassing decade was the apex of free love and loose morals. During the nineteen-eighties (1980s), it appeared that things had calmed down considerably, in fashion, government and dating. (Levis, Reagan, AIDS, et al). The introduction and popularization of personal ads appeared to provide a viable alternative to many men who were either too timid or too disgusted with the "singles scene." Now, over ten (10) years later, it is becoming readily apparent that the solution to single men's woes will not be found in the realm of technology and/or science. As this realization slowly becomes disseminated to the general population, despair and desperation are likely to once again become prevalent personality traits of long suffering single men. However, despite the more than twenty (20+) years that separate the disco era from today, advice columnists and dating professionals continue to suggest that a viable venue to meet women is the supermarket. (Dr. Ruth et al). In the interests of preserving the remaining dignity of single men everywhere, this experiment was created to end this paralysing and oppressive myth once and for all.

Methods
Thirty (30) subjects were selected through various methods of random selection that will not be delved into further due to ethical reasons. Ages ranged from twenty-one (21) to twenty-nine (29). To control for appearance factors, all subjects were rated by an impartial panel of women from the cosmetic, fashion and television industry. Only men who were deemed to be of average or slightly above average appearance were allowed to participate. "Elephant men" and "pretty boys" were excluded because of their potential to skew the results. The thirty (30) subjects were then divided at random into two (2) groups; a "supermarket group" and a "bar" group.

Design Subjects were allowed to choose from a list of pick-up lines. Some examples include (Does this celery look firm enough to you?; I'm looking for some nice melons. Can you help me?; The word of the day is "legs." Let's go spread the word.; Citizen's arrest. You just stole my heart.; I'm Fred Flintstone and I'd like to make your Bedrock). After memorizing their pickup lines, participants were instructed to try their line(s) of choice in three (3) different supermarkets or three (3) different bars, depending on which group they had been assigned to. This meant that all told, there would be ninety (90) potential attempts that could be statistically analysed.

Results A number of the "supermarket" subjects reported being assaulted by the women they approached. One (1) subject sustained minor injuries when a watermelon was dropped on his foot. Some subjects were even escorted out of the supermarket by undercover security guards. In comparison, the bar group fared much better, as we hinted at in the introduction. After using ANOVA, it was found that there were no significant correlations, and the null hypothesis was rejected. Thus, it can be concluded that there is a ninety percent (90%) chance (with an error rate of +/- .5%) that trying to meet women in the supermarket is a big fat waste of time. It now appears that research into lessening the fears related to singles bars would be more helpful in increasing the "scores" of timid single men.