"Great rock and roll is more than just three chords and a catchy chorus. Otherwise, there'd be
no difference between the Beatles and Herman's Hermits."
— Gina Arnold

In June of 1999, The Plantains embarked upon a hiatus -- or, as some wags in the press dubbed it, a moratorium. The day the music died was June 8 of that same year when Ryan moved to Toronto.

It is now more than 12 months since the indie-rock disintegrated. Enough time has passed to consider the painful task of sifting through the seemingly endless pile of gig posters, seven-inch records and the boxes upon boxes of assorted paraphernalia that composes the history of this incredible band. Enough time to also consider the rumours about reunion. The questions are many, and I can only hope to answer but a few of them in this brief look back, and even briefer look forward. What was the legacy of The Plantains? Will they reunite? Where can I get a free MP3? And perhaps most importantly, how successful were they?

Let's start with the final question first: success. Defining "success" is to wrestle a tricky little squid; to say whether or not the Plantains were successful is to try and staple Jell-o to a wall. Did they write songs? Yes. Did they play these songs live? The answer, again, is yes. Were they received by an audience. Yet again, the answer is yes.

Sadly, there are no easy answers to these questions. Perhaps the best way to convey the mish-mash of interviews, articles and albums is to cast aside the organizational yoke and instead create a patchwork quilt that honours the brave soldiers of an indie-rock sound that nearly changed the world -- for the better. Along the way, the questions I have posed will hopefully be answered, along with other questions you may never have thought of. Enjoy.

Greel Markus, May 2000

Discography

Sometime in 1993: Clockwork Demos; E-Minor Explosion; and Manlysound cassettes

February 1994: Gorilla Fear 7"

September 1994: Welcome to The Plantation, May I Take Your Coat and Shoes To a Safer Location? (10" EP)

December 1994: Mustang by Compass (collection of B-sides, 7" and rarities)

July 1995: This Bomb is Solid Gold (LP)

November 1996: The Thin Line of Soul (LP)

November 1997: The Ryan Bigge Truth Movement: Still Searching for Soul (a prog-rock style solo-album about one man's 24-hr journey to explore his soul).

November 1998: Muckrake High Saloon (LP)

November 1999: The Suprafresh Live Adventures of Doctor Bad Vibes (Live album)

May 2000: The Finality of Banality aka Lost Too (An EP available only in MP3 format)

20??: The tentatively titled Beer and Birthday Cake (LP) will be The Plantains' fourth full-length album, provided it ever gets released.

Reflections Part One

Candi Eversteen: I remember one afternoon, before a show, I was sitting with the band drinking. A lot. Eventually I asked, "Ryan, can I touch your hair?" He took my hand and placed it gently on his head. I remember that his hair was all ratty and knotted, like I expected it to be, but also very soft and clean, like he had just washed it. Ryan was a very tender, almost gallant gentleman when it came to the lost girls in his audience.

On Changing Your Life

Billy Hopeless, The Black Halos: "I saw The Plantains doing this ad hoc cover of 'Lucas With The Lid Off' one night and it blew my fuckin' head off. I mean, we'd been trying to get our act together for five years at that point, and here come these upstart little shits who've nailed everything that is 'indie' and 'punk' and 'indie-punk crossover' in their first six months. I got really, really drunk and decided to give up singing and devote the rest of my life to making sand cast candles. Really! Luckily I forgot about that when I sobered up and we were eventually signed to Sub-Pop. But it was a close call there for a bit. The Plantains did that kind of thing to you."

The Genuinely Inauthentic

Tony: "Is this supposed be like that commercial where N'Sync and Mike Ness make up fake and fawning anecdotes about chillin' with Mickey Mouse? If so, count me in!"

The Beer and Birthday Cake Material

Ryan: "There's been moments during these songs when the crowd is standing there with their mouths wide open. They don't know the songs yet but they hear our sound and know it's for real. You can tell from the look on their faces that it's like a new feeling."

The Lascivious Years

Ryan once told SPIN reporter Claire Vibes: "My solos are morose code that scream out, 'rock you like a wind tunnel.' But there's no secret message in my licks baby."

She was not impressed.

Graeme once told somebody: "We try to embody the fashion-sense of the Beatles, the sound and fury of the Stones, and the promiscuity of Gene Simmons."

Misc

Ryan: "We were stealing riffs from Girls Against Boys long before it was popular."

Ad Excerpt

Can rock and roll save your soul? We compared five leading bands for appearance, taste, curative powers and rock and roll content. Scientific-looking people in white lab coats all agree that only The Plantains give you the powerful relief you need in today's hectic world, due mainly to their exclusive additive Roxygen [tm]. Don't accept imitations. When you need high octane, 151 proof rock and roll, The Plantains deliver. (Ironically, this ad copy appeared at the height of Ryan's addiction to Flintstone's Chewable Vitamins and crack cocaine).

On Open Canvas

Darren Gawle: "Ryan had this obstreprious new jingle which he called the G versus B song. Ryan was still in his neo/anti/art/rock phase, so naturally it wasn't even fit for pure phase noise buffering in an abbatoir. No messin' around either. So I said to myself 'fuck it, I'm gonna salvage some dignity here' and started playing this bassline that Ryan kind of liked. By that, I mean he didn't get all insecure and catty like Colin would have if I'd dared try a stunt like that in my Daytona days. Colin used to staple people's groins to coffee tables for less, you know."

On Being Annoying Part 85

Graeme: "There are control freaks you can tolerate, and then there are those that you want to beat with a rusty shovel. Sometime in late 1998, Ryan joined the latter camp."

Rhyme Pays

Tony: "When did I know the Plantains were destined for greatness? I'm pretty sure it was when Ryan rhymed Hitachi and Hibachi..."

Reunion Part One

CBC Radio Interviewer: What was your first thought when you heard the reunion rumours?

Graeme: My first thought? Hmm. Let me think. How about, That arsehole needs to bleed the sacred name even drier so he can continue to snort coke off the flattened stomachs of 17-year old prostitutes.

Ryan: Yeah. That's fair I guess. But I mean, I have matured.

Graeme: So, what, it's like Dristan off the stomach of a 21-year-old prostitute now?

Ryan: Exactly. Yeah. That's what I mean. And no more fake breasts. That was just phony.

Graeme: But paying for sex, that's authentic?

Ryan: Hey mate, we agreed to keep it cool remember? I'm not mentioning the sunflower seed fetish, now am I?

Graeme: Touché.

The Practise Space Owners Thus Spoke

Dave #1: "I mean, like you know, sure the Plantains, I um, yes they practised here a few times, but ... I mean, I could give you a better quote about them a little later, but, or I mean if what I've already said doesn't sound quite good enough to publish. Look, here's what I can do. I can schedule an interview for you from 6-9pm on Thursday, but it has to be in room #4. Is that OK? Really? That's OK? Great. No, no. Thank you. See you then. OK, bye."

Dave #2: "They paid on time, and usually with exact change, if I can recall correctly. Some bands come through here, and think I can break a fifty or whatever. Idiots. But, no The Plantains definitely had the sort of sound and energy that said, 'Yes, I do have a twenty-dollar bill, plus a five and a twoonie.' It was the easiest $27 I collected each week."

Not Selling Out Part One

Ryan: "I'd rather God punish me by making me play three wrong notes in the solo for 'Super (market) Girl,' every night for eternity than have our band sound like Creed."

Matters Satorial

Tony: "Apparently, the financing of Vancouver's Hard Rock Cafe was dependent on the eventual acquisition of Ryan's blue pleather pants. It's still tied up in the courts."

As Soon As The Coin in the Coffer Rings, the FunkSoulBrother From Purgatory Springs

Darren Gawle on his shoegazing bass style: "Playing a set in front of the crapholders at the Brickyard was always an experience like the apostate Martin Luther being hauled before the Holy Roman diet at Wurms -- there sat the rewards of selling out; the silken robes embroidered in gold, the big hats, the bejeweled finery, and all the earthy, carnal privileges extended thereto. Shoegazing was my hairshirt; my one weapon in my battle to seize the moral high ground. Delivering my four-stringed message while refusing to indulge my eyes of the dazzling spectacle of overindulgenece and inequitous misrepresentation, that was my translation of Luther's 'Hier stehe ich, Ich kann nicht anders.'"

Coincidence?

Felipe Lopez was drafted by the Vancouver Grizzlies on June 26, 1998. When interviewed, the Dominican had fruit on his mind. Asked if he owned a raincoat, the loquacious Lopez turned the tables on reporters and asked if one of his favourite foods, plantain, was available in Vancouver.

"The green bananas, we're all going to have some now, all right," he joked while on a conference call from his home in New York. "I'm bringing everything with me. Might as well get used to it."

Getting Out Part One

Ryan Schmidt (original drummer): I remember, one of the first shows we did. It was at the Niagara, a dank little hole-in-the wall. Near the end of the set, during "Hush Puppy Love," Ryan turned toward me during an instrumental break with a look of impassioned intensity -- a kind of crazed fervour that telegraphed a message I took to heart: "I need to quit this band as soon as possible."

Getting Kicked Out Part One

Barb: "You know, I kind of jammed with the band a few times. Ryan always seemed a little awkward. It's either the rumoured tallness or the rumoured gayness -- I still haven't decided which."

We're Huge in Antarctica

Darin Johnson discusses his first Antarctic sojourn: At the last moment before leaving the states I got a Luddite bug up my ass and left my computer behind, and all the music I was going to bring. Thus, I only brought two tapes. The Plantains, cuz I hadn't really listened to it yet, and my band Elfmelt, cuz I wanted to leave a copy in some remote place and have someone find it sometime. The Plantains have new fans. My favourite songs are the one about corduroy pants, "malice, avarice..." and the instrumental. My co-worker likes the Plantains as well. She says one day after my absence, "That tape's great 'n shit. If my boyfriend heard me listening to it he'd say, 'what the fuck is up with that shit,' and take it out. He's in the Marines." We fight a lot. I call her dude. She calls me an asshole. But the Plantains (and dirty jokes) form a bond between us that will only be dissolved by that soap that the silverware soaks in, or something stronger.

Les Gringo es Loco Part 4,592

Graeme on Bigge umbilical dilemas: The man has NO concept that the wires in his patch cords are not magical conduits of music -- no, they do not channel biorhythms into his amp -- but real physical objects that when twisted, stepped on, or used to tie wrists to the bed post, will BREAK. Everybody thought we had a DJ on our last tour to create that "old, scratch-up, dusty record" ambiant background soundscape. We did not. To this day Ryan insists that the static and crackles his amp emits have less to do with science and more to do with the fact that they are "sending him another special and private transmission."

The Keyboard Player

Craig Huxtable on his work on G versus B: "I think that track turned out adequately, but we had more than a few arguments about the final mix. I suggested they push my keyboards up real high and drop everything else down to about zero point one. That way, the only person with any talent in the band would finally get his due. They, predictably, ignored me completely."

Songs She Sang To Me / Songs She Brang To Me

Nigel Tussle (assistant editor at Melody Maker): "You want to know about the Eurovision Song Contest? Fine. They get it into their heads that it would be some grand prank, some incredible coup if they managed to make an appearance. So they dress up like Spainards, although if you ask me, they looked more like pirate ballerinas, and they write this rubbish tribute to the Eurodollar, 'a coin with a thousand faces' the most maudlin reference to the multi-cultural nature of the EU imaginable. And because they're big dumb fat stupid rawk stars, they can afford to hire a Tin-Pan Alley schlock meister and a speech coach and a choreographer and a wardrobe and makeup artist to ensure that they actually dance and look and sound like a Spanish Neil Diamond, provided Neil was accompanied by a thumping Euro-trash disco beat. And sure enough they convince the rather corruptable Spanish president to let them represent his country and bleated their hearts out on the European Broadcasting Union, proving God is in a coma and Satan is making the most of the situation.

The Wonk on the Skins

Steve from m-strain on Graeme's drumming: "You know, I saw Oasis live on the Be Here Now tour and I remember distinctly how bored I was by their drummer. He was so good, so precise that you just knew he would never make a mistake. By removing any possibility of error or variation, it felt like I was watching a robot. When I see the Plantains play live, I study Graeme with grim fascination, wondering when his pounding rhythms are going to derail. That, to me, is what rock and roll is all about. Can I get my five bucks now?"

Praise

Excerpt from February 2000 Georgia Straight cover story We Miss The Plantains A Whole Bunch. "For example, listen to the lazy-yet-taunt and everything in-between guitar work that patiently argues and occasionally agrees with Graeme's drumming on '10:37pm.' If the divine is in the details, then Ryan Bigge is a Rawk God. They are a firmament in the collective memory that is the Vancouver local music scene."

The Dangers of the Drink

Ryan: You get drunk, it all gets crazy, and when you finally sober up, you've recorded a duet with Bryan Adams.

Let the Punishment Fit The Crime

Darren: We started playing faster songs to tire Graeme out. That way he wouldn't have the energy to throw his equipment at us. That's really the only reason we made it through the last two albums.

The Man Behind the Curtain

Brian Tesan (who sang on "Mrs. K" and co-wrote some of post-breakup #1 era songs): "You know when there's a really talentless boy band, and some sleazy producer/songsmith writes all their songs and moulds them into something semi-worthwhile? Well, I'd just like to say that... wait I'm sorry, I lost my train of thought. What was the question again?"

Strange But True

Johnny Hair (original roadie): Darren once sat silent for exactly 2 hours, 12 minutes and 46 seconds before answering a question. The question was "would you like more coffee?"

100 Lashes With Noodles

Syn Tax (Ryan's ex-wife): "Near the end, he just kept making the 'uh-huh' noise from that Offspring song about whiggers. That's when I decided to file for divorce."

Louder Than Bombs

CiTR mainstay Nardwuar the Human Serveitte: So Mr. Darren Gawle of the Plantains and member of Vancouver's Indie Rock Scene please tell us what instrument you play in the Vancouver indie rock band trio known as the Plantains?

Darren: (long exhale. . . . . . . .) bass.

Nardwuar: Now Darren Gawle of the Plantains, let me ask you --

Darren: This interview is over. [SFX: Footsteps getting fainter. Door being slammed.]

Food Go Bye-Bye

More Straight talk: "The 'tains would often throw food from their deli trays out the window onto the fans waiting down below. They never quite understood that those fans were hungry for sex and autographs, rather than pimentos and cocktail shrimp."

The Talk in the Hallway

Darren Gawle: "According to rock legend, the 'tains live were either monumentally great or horrid. And for those who haven't got the joke yet, the 'tains thing is a reference to the 'mats aka the Replacements. It's bad enough Ryan stole riffs from everyone and his dog; now he's stealing ideas from other band biographies."

Remember These Two Sentences Or The Conclusion Will Confuse

Chelation is the process of bonding a mineral to an amino acid. This bonding makes it easier to digest and assimilate for proper utilization in the body.

Live from New York

Tony Lee, ex-drummer for the Saddlesores and uber-hipster: Many people still talk about Ryan appearing on VTV's Breakfast Television in a plush plantain costume and singing "Still Crazy After These Years" for about 20 bars, before switching into "Radio, Radio" by Elvis Costello for 30 bars more, and then concluding with the final verse and chorus of "Incense and Peppermints" by the Strawberry Alarm Clock. I realize it's all been done before, but sometimes you need to ask yourself -- "should it be done at all?"

The KROQ Debacle

Ryan: "In 1998 we were interviewed on influential alternative LA radio station KROQ. Our 'unprofessional' attitude pissed the DJ off so badly that the station smashed a copy of the album the following morning. It wasn't the smashing of our album that bothered me so much as that 'supposedly' zany, wacky siren sound they played while doing so. That just lacked dignity. The toilet flushing noise at the end I'd rather not talk about. However, we did use a sample of the CD being smashed as the intro to the The Suprafresh Live Adventures of Doctor Bad Vibes. They tried suing us, but our lawyer, Fuck You won the case handily. And yes, that is his real name."

Incompetance Rules

Roadie #5: "When Ryan decided to experiment heavily by dropping acid blotters with pictures of Rocky and Bullwinkle, he lost the ability to play guitar. Not that he had much ability to begin with. We had a world renowned session guitarist create a DAT tape that was quickly fed-ex'd to us and we unplugged his amp for the last half of the 'Buy the T-shirt and Toque Tour.' Not that he noticed.

In Studio, In Stereo

Producer Daniel Lanois: "I wasn't worried when Darren mounted the rented hundred-year-old German upright bass and shook it until the back fell right off. I also wasn't too worried about Graeme spilling a three-litre bottle of R.C. Cola all over the mixing board. And when Ryan destroyed all four of his harmony guitars on the first day of recording, I didn't blink. If you're going to play the role of a babysitter, the first step is to let the band in question to release some steam. You also need to ensure that you get paid no matter what happens. Eventually, I memorized the following sentence 'I'll give you this (lollipop, bag of weed, line of coke, Asian hooker) if you promise not to break anything else and finish this (vocal track, bathroom break, drum loop) today.' All it took was that one simple sentence to force the beauty to transcend the chaos."

In The Living Years

Tony [chocking back tears]: "If only I could hear Ryan say 'One more time for tha people,' one more time. I guess I could call him up and have him say it, but it's, sniff, a long distance call."

Dr. Rotten Will See You Now

Ever get the feeling you've been chelated?